Holy Week

There was this amazing thing that I witnessed in Buenos Aires last week that I forgot to mention before. I was spending one of many days wandering around the city, seeing what came up. I was walking down a side street in the Microcentro or Congresso area that was teeming with activity at mid day, with entirely too many pedestrians, cars, buses, bikes, and the like. There was this guy riding his bicycle through the street, approaching my direction as I walked the opposite way down the sidewalk. All of a sudden I heard an incredibly loud POP - I didn´t know what it was, but it seriously could have been a firecracker or gunshot even. The sound startled me and everyone around me. I then realized what happened - the bike rider´s tire blew out. He stumbles off of the bike and is screaming expletives in Spanish, and all of a sudden this scene becomes the funniest one that I have witnessed since the beginning of my travels. There is literally - I kid you not - a bike shop immediately to the right of both me and the bike rider. Literally. He was able to walk ten feet into the bike shop and buy a new tire. I couldn´t stop laughing about how upset this guy got - it was like God played a practical joke with the side note, "Relax dude, the universe takes care of you. Have a little faith next time."

Ah, ok. The metaphor. I have been so busy running around cities partying like a maniac that I happened to forget about a pivotal reason for this trip: spiritual balance. As I ran myself ragged and played the superficial party circuit, I started feeling lonely. And then the lonelier I got, the harder I partied, until finally I got angry. (Angry at who? I don´t know. I think that I blamed Buenos Aires for a moment, but that is not true or fair.) Shaky and unbalanced - not the goal. So why the heck am I lonely? Obviously, the people I love most in this world are not around. That´s a pretty obvious reason to be lonely.

Wait..."the people I love most in the world are not around." Well - what about...me?

OK, so here´s when this blog starts to sound like a spiritual journal/testament/memoir, and I am sorry if you are reading and feel like you didn´t sign up for this. But it is the direction that I need to go at this point. I cringe at the idea of seeming or sounding cliche, but you know what? That is a huge part of my problem. I care way too much about the ways that other people see me, and I don´t think enough about how I see me. So - you ask - why be all exhibitionist about this? And the only way I can respond is to say that I experience self-realization through writing, and I write better when I know that other people are reading. So, I guess I am being a little selfish. I am sort of using all of you to get the most out of this freaking process. Even if there are just a few of you out there, it makes a difference to me. Thank you for listening.

So here I go. So what about me? Why am I not good enough company for myself? Why am I not my own damn bike shop? I have the tools to make myself whole. I´m right here!

I am beginning to realize that I want a sturdier, steadier sense of self. I want to feel lucky when I´m the only one in the room.

I have not made the act of listening to myself, finding my heart, and valuing that truth a daily priority. I am starting to realize that I regarded that kind of self-attention and self-love as superficial and needless. My upbringing revered the selfless acts of Jesus, but more in the name of "selflessness" than in "Jesus." My culture values self-reliance, and my intellect cannot stand hypocrisy, and so honestly I have distanced myself from organized religion. I have never felt like I needed a strong sense of my own spirituality because I have always posited that the act is more important than belief or faith...and that it is too easy to slip into hypocrisy if the moral act does not come first. And so, when living my life, "How does this other person feel? How do I impact them? How can I make them feel good, or happy, or as little discomfort as possible?" has become my religion. I am in no way perfect - I do not always act accordingly. But, in a word, thoughtfulness has been what I strive for every day.

The problem is that thoughtfulness has not always started from a healthy or noble place for me. As bubbly as I may seem sometimes, I am shy and observant at the core. I´m not a psychologist, and I don´t feel like trying to be one today, so I will just say that, "for some reason," I have never been confident that people will love me if I don´t guide them through it, one step at a time. Constantly, always: "How does this person feel? How might they interpret what I just did or said? What can I do for them that might make them want me around?" I always try to steer the ship.

Well, when your self-worth is supported by this kind of model, you are bound to run into problems when none of the people who you love are around. I am realizing that I missed a critical point when I proclaimed that "I am traveling for the people I am meeting and human moments I am experiencing, not because of any grand vistas or pieces of architecture." How can you experience relationships and human moments with contentment if you don´t know yourself and love yourself? I am not a crumbling mess, but my sense of self is not blessed with God´s grace at this moment. I know that I can grow. I know that I do not have complete peace and poise.

In the Catholic Church, this past week is what we call "Holy Week." A week to pray for salvation and God´s grace - the holy spirit. This week has been my Holy Week too, and the beginning of something great - I promise myself. Why have I lost my Yoga since beginning traveling, and why have I never really bought into Yogic meditation before? I don´t know, but I feel a calling to find out. Simply stated, Yoga is about finding God inside of you. It is about finding balance, peace and bliss in the total self-realization of your own divinity. I have started this journey, for real, this week. I have been in lovely surroundings to begin this journey. (You are probably saying, "Get on with it already! This is a travel blog, isn´t it?") And - guess what - those surroundings include grand vistas and pieces of architecture!

I have had the lovely pleasure of exploring the wild west of Argentina - a place that is geographically stunning, culturally rich and spiritually vibrating just about everywhere. Being here during Holy Week has made the experience even more special. I visited the states of Tucuman, Salta and Jujuy. A way to describe this region is to combine New Mexico with Montana or Wyoming, and then to throw in a touch of Napa Valley. The Native Indian cultures are alive and thriving. There are artists and weavers selling handicrafts everywhere - gorgeous handwoven fabrics, handmade pottery, handcarvings, etc. Most of the people here practice Catholicism, and so their native cultures are complemented by fervent Christian religious practices. The practices that I have witnessed include reenactments of the Passion in mass procession through the streets, the creation of large shrines made from tree branches and flowers, and the carving of enormous clay sculptures of the crucifix and stations of the cross. There are shrines to various saints with candles burning non-stop along many of the main roads that I travelled this week. Every town I visited contained a church, if not a Cathedral, many of which are architectural treasures.

The landscape is so vast and so varied. First, you will see nothing but seven foot tall cacti for as far as the eye can see. All of a sudden, the scene changes to riverbeds and rolling hills with horses and cows grazing leisurely. Next, giant rock formations in every imaginable color appear - bright red, blue, green, orange, even purple. You see a few llamas hanging out by the side of the road. Next - I swear - miles and miles of vineyards start rolling by. Goats are crossing the road. Mountains are in the background, and moody clouds set the scene. It is so majestic. I have no idea how so much geographical diversity was jammed into this corner of the world.

Seeing all of this beauty and bearing witness to beautiful culture and heartfelt religion is inspiring. I have been blessed to create a lot of time for self-reflection in the midst of it all. I have enjoyed the peace and silence as so much beauty passed by my bus window. I have also enjoyed much of my favorite music. It is amazing how music can change my mood, and then a lyric makes me smile, and before I know it I have been smiling for hours - I get to know that feeling and I hold on to it, even when I am alone, without that stimulation. I discovered something so amazing this week. Do you know that you can take just about any love song and pretend that you are the singer, and that you are singing about - yours truly? Yes. You can sing love songs to yourself. This discovery might seem trite, but it was new for me, and it has allowed me to create so much happiness for myself.

At last...my love has come along...my lonely days are over! And life is like a song!

I have been around the world...looking for that woman girl...who knows love can endure - and you know it will!

I believe in the love that you gave me! I believe in the faith that can save me! I believe in the hope and I pray that someday it may raise me!

It will be no surprise to hear who I decide to listen to when I really want to feel inspired. Well, there is only one Boss, after all. (And any man who knows how lovely the girls from Jersey are obviously has some things figured out.)

It ain´t no sin to be glad you´re alive.

I gotta know how it feels.

I´ll love you with all the madness in my soul.

Well there it is. Bad Scooter´s in the jungle, searchin for her groove, man. Everybody better move over, that´s all. I´m all alone, I´m on my own, and I can´t go home. Not yet.