Eu estou com meu namorado. Ele e forte!!

So if there is one phrase in Portuguese that you cannot survive Carnaval without, it is this: "Eu estou com meu namorado. Ele e forte!!" - I am with my boyfriend. He is strong!! Everyone had been telling me about the Brazilian men before I arrived, but this situation is really not something that you can comprehend until you experience it in person. Carnaval is a perfect storm of carnal lust where every man on the street is out to kiss as many women as they possibly can. It is completely crazy. There is no asking. There are no introductions. You literally have to duck, block, hurdle...I feel like I am learning capoeira in mastering the skills of avoiding a sweaty embrace from an undesirable partner. I am not properly communicating the intensity of this one million strong kiss fest, but multiply whatever you are imaging by ten and you will be somewhere in the ballpark.

INTENSITY. That is the word that first comes to mind when trying to figure out how to explain Carnaval to all of you. Extreme. The most joyous celebration of life I have ever encountered. The most outrageous expression of human vice. The most devastating display of loneliness, confusion, poverty, and depravity. An unbelievable amount of wealth, pomp and circumstance.

Carnaval is a full-on Monet. When you step back and soak up the sights and sounds of millions of people dancing, lights flashing, music pumping, it´s hard to feel better about being alive. Up close it´s pretty different - it´s a mess. The rich are separated from the poor - and there are many many more poor people - in gated off VIP areas. You are safe once you are inside, but getting there is a different story. Men were literally grabbing me as I walked. As a woman, you don´t know if they´re trying to assault you or steal from you, but neither is good. There is an undeniable correlation between wealth and race - the legacy of slavery is extreme. There are poor black people everywhere - crawling in the mud trying to pick up as many beer cans as possible...trying to sell anything they can on the side of the street...being the human barriers around the parades that keep their family and friends, and others who are just as poor, on the outside. If you can afford to buy your way into one of the parades, you enjoy Carnaval in relative safety for several hours as you dance the parade route among the electric trios. It is an incredible experience - I danced danced danced!! - but I can´t ignore the faces of the people on the sidelines. The wealthy are literally parading their circumstances in front of the poor.

The dilemma is that you can´t cast your wealth aside - it literally is not safe. NO ONE has a camera at Carnaval. NO ONE has a bag. It is a crazy experience to know that, despite my intelligence and resourcefulness, I can´t make it here on my own. I can´t smile at the little barefoot kid walking by because she will see me as a target the moment I make eye contact. It´s wild. You feel completely surrounded by people uniting in their love for music, dance, and celebration, but you know that it´s the jungle and everyone is out for themselves, just trying to survive. Everyone is the hunter and everyone is the hunted. We´re hunting for very different things - money, food, sex, lust, power, safety, emotional stimulation - but we are united in our desperation.

So - I have a deep sense of personal conflict about my privilege, here more than ever. However, I know that I cannot reconcile these feelings here because I do not have the power to combat the streets of Salvador alone. For now, I need to keep thinking, writing, feeling, dancing, crying. I am enjoying myself more than I can explain - I will try when I write again by giving more amazing details about what life is like on the inside. I know that personal challenges lie ahead and that I am up to the task. I believe that I am strong enough to not take my life for granted.

Feeling loved and blessed. Miss you all. CARNAVAL! Beijos, Katie